The Creepy Ronnie

I'm an addict. I thought I should just come out and say it. I'm addicted to The Jersey Shore. I know... I know... it's one of the worst substances to be addicted to, but I just can't help it. Oven-baked Italians behaving badly just have some kind of hold over me. All the characters on that show are like living, breathing cartoon characatures of stereotypes. It's like watching a particularly bloody train wreck. I cannot look away when it's on, no matter how bad it gets.

One of the things that drew me to the show was a clip I saw way back of housemate Ronald "Ronnie" Ortiz-Magro. His dance, which can only be described as "immaculate," has since been dubbed the "Creepy Ronnie." It is creepy. It is all Ronnie.

Ladies and germs, I present to you... The Creepy Ronnie:



Now go forth and spread the good news.

20 Steps to Improve Star Trek

I have yet to see the Star Trek movie that came out earlier this year. I guess I will when it hits DVD. I was going through some old text files tonight and ran across this conversation I had with Doug on AIM. I figured I'd share it:

Doug: I've got some ideas that'll change the star trek universe forever...

Me: oh?

Me: lemme guess.... better stories?

Doug: #1 How about don't put anything explosive in control panels

Me: ha ha ha ha ha

Doug: #2 Seatbelts

Me: ha ha ha ha

Doug: already, right there we've cut 3/4th of the deaths on the show

Me: #3: NO MORE RED SHIRTS

Doug: #4 If you going to war, wear armor. I know you're really proud of your pajamas and all, but this is the friggin future. You can carry more tech than a pin on you shirt and a fancy calculator

Doug: I mean it's good enough for the klingons right?

Me: #5 it's ok every once in a while for the aliens to not look like people

Doug: but not ok for the budget

Doug: they have to spend like 20 dollars for a make up guy for another hour

Doug: I mean thats crazy

Me: yup

Me: oh look.... i'm clearly an alien... i have a bump on my nose

Doug: #6 You have transporters...theres no need to go runnin the endless halls of your ship when someone isn't suppose to be there

Me: NO CRAP

Doug: #7 Again future, ever hear of automated defenses...I mean they have solid Holograms that can create and shoot guns and lasers, how about use those sometime

Me: #8 it's not necessary to sleep with everyone you meet if you are a captain

Doug: actually, I think that's in the contract

Me: maybe so

Doug: #9 enough with the time travel, we stopped friggin caring when kirk went to fetch whales

Me: #10 whales taste GREAT

Doug: we don't want to watch people in modern times, otherwise we'd be watching WB

Me: ugh

Me: no crap

Me: and NO ONE watches that

Doug: heheh

Doug: nope

Me: #11 MORE GORN

Doug: always

Me: and this time, for god's sake put him under a sun lamp so he can at least move a bit faster

Doug: #12 The Holodek...WILL BREAK

Doug: Historical figures will always turn evil and try to kill you

Me: excuse me... were you suggesting we should break Will Crusher?

Me: because that's a good suggestion

Me: or maybe you were suggesting that in the holodeck Will becomes mutated like the Hulk and breaks things saying "WILL BREAK!"

Me: either way... we're good with that

Doug: #13 You know, evasive manuevers should mean a little more than sitting in place and firing

Doug: #14 Its space, not all the ships you meet will be right side up, also space is in three dimensions, you can go around things

Me: #15 more borg, less ferangi

Doug: #16 We have guided missiles now, so why can't their torpedos do anything other than go in a straight line?

Me: #17 next time you find people frozen in an ancient ship.... LEAVE THEM FROZEN

Doug: #18 Stop naming every planet the same name as the people...humans, from humanlon, from the human home world

Me: ha ha ha

Me: yep

Me: #19 more half-nekkid green chicks

Doug: #20 Would someone for once go outside the ship and give it a new paint job when "repairs are underway?" since when can you fix everything about you car by messing with the radio control panel?

Doug: ok, thats it for me, all that from just having seen one episode.....

I think everyone will agree that Doug and I clearly should have been top choices for the creative team to make a better Trek movie. CLEARLY.

Talent?

It seems like every year the talent pool that America's Got Talent draws from gets thinner and thinner. I've come up with a simple set of rules that will make sure you win a million bucks on that show:

1) Sing. I'm serious... every act so far that has won has been a singing act. The producers must have noticed that NBC didn't have an amateur singing show and decided to shoehorn one into a talent show. It's pretty sad that they had to ruin a perfectly good talent show by forcing it to be a wanna be American Idol.

2) Have a sob story. With the exception of one winner, everyone who has won on that show has had some kind of horrible death in the family, has lost his job, or had a pet explode in the microwave. Think up the worst possible plot for a Lifetime movie, sing, and go on stage... you WILL win.

3) Sing R&B. Again... the judges on this show are nothing if not predictable. Every singer who has made it to the end (again... with the exception of one) has warbled out horrible versions of Afrocentric music. There's nothing cooler than a black guy with a rich voice singing songs about living and loving and dealing with the hardships dealt out by the Man. On the other hand, there's nothing as annoying as seeing a 12 year old white girl sing about how her man done did her wrong. But most annoying of all is the fact that this impresses the washed-up cretins that judge this show.

4) Cry. A LOT. The amount of tears you shed is directly proportionate to the amount of respect the judges of the show have for you as a contestant.

Follow all of these simple rules and you too can become a million dollar winner on America's Got Talent.