Wednesday, October 14, 2009

20 Steps to Improve Star Trek

I have yet to see the Star Trek movie that came out earlier this year. I guess I will when it hits DVD. I was going through some old text files tonight and ran across this conversation I had with Doug on AIM. I figured I'd share it:

Doug: I've got some ideas that'll change the star trek universe forever...

Me: oh?

Me: lemme guess.... better stories?

Doug: #1 How about don't put anything explosive in control panels

Me: ha ha ha ha ha

Doug: #2 Seatbelts

Me: ha ha ha ha

Doug: already, right there we've cut 3/4th of the deaths on the show


Doug: #4 If you going to war, wear armor. I know you're really proud of your pajamas and all, but this is the friggin future. You can carry more tech than a pin on you shirt and a fancy calculator

Doug: I mean it's good enough for the klingons right?

Me: #5 it's ok every once in a while for the aliens to not look like people

Doug: but not ok for the budget

Doug: they have to spend like 20 dollars for a make up guy for another hour

Doug: I mean thats crazy

Me: yup

Me: oh look.... i'm clearly an alien... i have a bump on my nose

Doug: #6 You have transporters...theres no need to go runnin the endless halls of your ship when someone isn't suppose to be there


Doug: #7 Again future, ever hear of automated defenses...I mean they have solid Holograms that can create and shoot guns and lasers, how about use those sometime

Me: #8 it's not necessary to sleep with everyone you meet if you are a captain

Doug: actually, I think that's in the contract

Me: maybe so

Doug: #9 enough with the time travel, we stopped friggin caring when kirk went to fetch whales

Me: #10 whales taste GREAT

Doug: we don't want to watch people in modern times, otherwise we'd be watching WB

Me: ugh

Me: no crap

Me: and NO ONE watches that

Doug: heheh

Doug: nope


Doug: always

Me: and this time, for god's sake put him under a sun lamp so he can at least move a bit faster

Doug: #12 The Holodek...WILL BREAK

Doug: Historical figures will always turn evil and try to kill you

Me: excuse me... were you suggesting we should break Will Crusher?

Me: because that's a good suggestion

Me: or maybe you were suggesting that in the holodeck Will becomes mutated like the Hulk and breaks things saying "WILL BREAK!"

Me: either way... we're good with that

Doug: #13 You know, evasive manuevers should mean a little more than sitting in place and firing

Doug: #14 Its space, not all the ships you meet will be right side up, also space is in three dimensions, you can go around things

Me: #15 more borg, less ferangi

Doug: #16 We have guided missiles now, so why can't their torpedos do anything other than go in a straight line?

Me: #17 next time you find people frozen in an ancient ship.... LEAVE THEM FROZEN

Doug: #18 Stop naming every planet the same name as the people...humans, from humanlon, from the human home world

Me: ha ha ha

Me: yep

Me: #19 more half-nekkid green chicks

Doug: #20 Would someone for once go outside the ship and give it a new paint job when "repairs are underway?" since when can you fix everything about you car by messing with the radio control panel?

Doug: ok, thats it for me, all that from just having seen one episode.....

I think everyone will agree that Doug and I clearly should have been top choices for the creative team to make a better Trek movie. CLEARLY.

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