I went to the Dollar Tree today looking for good, cheap crap to waste money on. I found something that matched 2 of those traits: cheap and crap.
Meet the men and woman of S.C.U.M.:
This is a 3.75 inch toy line produced by the good folks at Greenbrier International (AKA: the people who make the horrible crap they sell at Dollar Tree) called S.T.O.P. vs S.C.U.M. I'd go into explaining it all, but it really doesn't matter because it's... well... horrible. Here's the card back so you can see what it's all about:
This is, from left to right, Lady Lead, Cyclops, and Skull Hawk:
Cyclops is the leader of the baddies:
He's utterly, magnificently disappointing-- if you were looking for a good action figure. If you were looking for something stupid to make you laugh at the massive amounts of fail, then he's pure gold!
This is Skull Hawk. I have NO idea what he does for the team, because mine came on Cyclops' profile card:
I imagine that his official position in the S.C.U.M. corporation is "Suck Master." I love how his eyes are painted so far off from where they were supposed to be that he has this comical "SAY WHAAAAAA???!!!!" expression by accident. AWESOME. You'll notice that none of these pictures feature the guys without their guns. That's because they are made with the guns in their hands... yeah... S.C.U.M. soldiers are hardcore... they NEVER let go of their pieces.
This beautiful dame is Lady Lead. She's this psycho man-hating hired assassin. I think I'm in love:
With a face like this, you can only hope that the little disclaimer about the likenesses being fictitious is terribly wrong. Hubba hubba! Ugh. She has the absolutely worst construction out of the crew, and that's saying a LOT. It took me a good 50 tries to take the pictures of her standing up, because she was intent on falling down. Seriously, her legs swing back and forth like a bell clapper.
These figures are one fall from a height of one inch from shattering into a million pieces. The plastic is of a truly awful quality, and I believe that inhaling the fumes from it has caused me to become infertile. So, guys, if you were thinking about paying to get a vasectomy, just go to Dollar Tree, buy one of these suckers and huff away at the fumes. You'll be as sterile as can be in no time!
To be honest, the sculpts on these guys are actually pretty decent. It's the final product that's so bad. The detail and articulation is pretty decent for a dollar toy. It's a shame that they were made out of toxic plastic and painted by a pack of rabid baboons.
As bad as these suckers are, I can't help but love them. They're truly magnificent abominations cast in plastic. If you see them make sure you collect them all... they're worse than bad!
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