Tuesday, July 21, 2009


It seems like every year the talent pool that America's Got Talent draws from gets thinner and thinner. I've come up with a simple set of rules that will make sure you win a million bucks on that show:

1) Sing. I'm serious... every act so far that has won has been a singing act. The producers must have noticed that NBC didn't have an amateur singing show and decided to shoehorn one into a talent show. It's pretty sad that they had to ruin a perfectly good talent show by forcing it to be a wanna be American Idol.

2) Have a sob story. With the exception of one winner, everyone who has won on that show has had some kind of horrible death in the family, has lost his job, or had a pet explode in the microwave. Think up the worst possible plot for a Lifetime movie, sing, and go on stage... you WILL win.

3) Sing R&B. Again... the judges on this show are nothing if not predictable. Every singer who has made it to the end (again... with the exception of one) has warbled out horrible versions of Afrocentric music. There's nothing cooler than a black guy with a rich voice singing songs about living and loving and dealing with the hardships dealt out by the Man. On the other hand, there's nothing as annoying as seeing a 12 year old white girl sing about how her man done did her wrong. But most annoying of all is the fact that this impresses the washed-up cretins that judge this show.

4) Cry. A LOT. The amount of tears you shed is directly proportionate to the amount of respect the judges of the show have for you as a contestant.

Follow all of these simple rules and you too can become a million dollar winner on America's Got Talent.

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