Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Dollars Don't Grow on the Dollar Tree...

Ahhhhhhh... Dollar Tree. How wonderful you are to cheapskates everywhere. You provide crappy products for just a dollar each. How I love thee.

So I decided to pick up another bag of those monochrome public servants-- this time firemen.

As you can see, it's the same deal as the policemen: four 5 inch tall unpainted action figures with limited articulation and, this time, an accessory for each figure all packed in a baggie with a header card.

I dunno if it's just me or not, but these guys are a bit cooler looking than the cops. Maybe I just like red more than I like blue. Who knows?

This is Chief Hardedge. His features are chiseled from stone, and his attitude is even craggier.

Is that an axe in his hand? OH YEAH.

This is Lieutenant Ropewrap. He's good at... well... sawing things.

His saw... it is EXQUISITE.

This is Firefighter Double-Boom. So named because...

He has two oxygen tanks on his back. His mighty hammer smashes evil fires out of existence!!!

This is Captain Spaceman.

I name him this because he is obviously a space man who got lost and wound up working as a firefighter-- just look at that futuristic space helmet and those spiffy space boots. And I don't even know what to call that thing he is holding in his hand. It has to be some kind of high-tech space ray gun.

While I was at Dollar Tree I decided to grab one of those growing animal toys. Oddly enough I have never had one of these things. That's right: the most immature person on the face of the planet has never owned one of those "grows-in-water" critters. So I had to decide which one to get. This was the hardest decision of my entire life. Did I want a giant elephant or a snake the size of a pickup truck? A school house that I could walk inside of or a starfish big enough to crush Tokyo in a dynamic battle? I saw a whole section with nothing but dinosaurs, and suddenly my choice was clear. I had to have the mightiest beast to ever walk the planet... I needed a life-size T-Rex (the first one of you goons who says that T-Rex wasn't the mightiest gets a box full of my cat's poop mailed overnight express).

Yes.... T-Rex... soon you will grow in your tank of water... you will grow and learn to do my bidding! MWAAA HAAA HAA HAAA!!!!

Eh? What's this? "DO NOT SWALLOW."

Considering the fact that this dinosaur is hard as a rock and about 5 inches long, I seriously doubt anyone is going to be swallowing him any time soon. As a matter of fact, any kid who goes the distance and swallows this thing needs an award for trying that hard to end it all.

These things are supposed to grow up to 600% larger than their original size in water. Anyone who swallows this thing is going to need a C-Section to get that sucker out, because I don't think they're allowed by law to sell a laxative potent enough to move that thing. I'm betting you'll need Lamaze classes before the whole ordeal is through.

Anyway... it says that it takes 96 hours to fully expand, so I think I'm going to keep a photographic record of the growth of my mighty T-Rex. This needs to be documented... National Geographic might want this for future reference.

and now... another installment of...

Who among us hasn't wondered what is inside those grab bags at Dollar Tree? "Sure," you say to yourself, "I could gamble a dollar and find out, but I don't know if I should."

Well, ladies and germs, I have done the unthinkable... I have purchased the most secret and sacred of all Dollar Store items...


Ooooooo... what secrets lie within the confines of this simple paper package?

My first look inside the bag.... what could these mystery items be?????? Let's find out!!!

This has got to be the most disturbing packaging I have ever seen. First of all, what the heck is Animal Soup? Why does it have eyeballs floating in it? Why is that dog eating the leg of a dinosaur? Why are his pupils dilated so? Why does he have a cat's tail?

Hip Designs LTD, huh? Yeah right. Isn't the Rand Corporation an evil company that Iron Man fights or something? If it isn't it should be.

Ah... OK. I get you. The crayons are named after animal attributes... well... in theory. Some of these are clever, but what's with "Popping Out Purple" and "Twisted Green?" How are those related to animals in any way? TRY HARDER HIP DESIGNS LTD!!!

Next up... a Winnie the Pooh Thermos! Nah... I kid... it's just one of those light refractor things that used to come in Cracker Jacks boxes. You know... back when Cracker Jacks had REAL toys in them.

I'd show you what it looks like inside, but I think taking a picture of that would cause the universe to implode or something.

A Mickey Mouse themed baby bottle nipple?

Nah... it's a little spinning top. Luckily I love tops, so this is what those intellectual types refer to as a "silver lining."

And now.... the heaviest part of this whole affair... the reason I grabbed the bag that I grabbed... I was going for broke, so I grabbed the heaviest bag in the joint.

What awaits me in the TUB OF DOOM?!?!?!?!?!?

Wait... that's... well... what IS it?

Uhh... WAT?

It's a rock-hard, mold-encrusted block of dried-out playdough.

I kid you not... my major award was a chunk of hard playdough with fingerprints and Ebola all over it.

I am speechless.

So... what is inside of a Dollar Tree Grab Bag? Disturbing Crayons, Winnie the Pooh brand dimensional portals, Mickey Mouse spinning tops, and the world-famous disease cube.



Don't forget about the Brawlin' with Brawlor Contest! The first entry came in my email last night before I went to bed-- how crazy is that??? Crazy good, I tells ya!!! Get to work on your creations, so we can have the bestest MOTU art gallery EVER!!!! Thanks, everyone!

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